Sober 3,293 days...

For those of you who are mathematically challenged, that is just over 9 years of continuous sobriety. There are those in the fellowship today that will scoff at the mere mention of a sobriety date in a meeting as though doing so violates some secret AA law, or perhaps not doing it is an outward sign of humility proving to others that you are better than they. Or, even better yet, if I tell you how long I am sober you will judge me in some sober pecking order I would prefer to not participate in so that I can use all of the knowledge I have gained from my multiple attempts at sobriety and the books I have read to sound like I am more sober than I really am.

AA is not a level playing field, where in the person with 1 day has just as much to say as the person with 20 years, and the trend in our fellowship that tends to point in that direction is troubling. As the number members with long term sobriety dwindle and new comers become the disproportionate majority, the tendency is to for them to want to be more important. Therefore they make strides to down-play sober time in an effort to level the field. They do this in a number of ways, the most common being the exclamation that they "know" someone who went out with 20+ years sober. The reality is that after 9 years I have known far more people to die with long term sobriety than to drink after that period. Do some people who have picked up a drink after some time come back to AA only to take the focus off of sober time in an effort to deal with the shame of how long they would have been sober? You have what you have...You are either sober or in-between loads.

As members with multiple years, we sometimes lean in the direction of wanting the new-comer to like us, and thus we make strides to help the identify. We close the gap between them and us by not sharing our sobriety date. Some want to call this humility, but they are wrong. Humility is being at ease with where you are. I don't  need to hide the fact that I am sober 9 years, in fact I need to give credit where credit is due. And yes I have something to say and if you are new you should listen. Because I am sober 9 years that means I haven't picked up a drink through 9 Christmas's, 9 Thanksgivings, and a handful of funerals. The new-comer who is in turn serious about maintaining sobriety should listen, and respect sober time, it took alot of pain and hard work to get here.

Lastly it is a system of checks and balances, when I share my sober time in a meeting it establishes to others where I am in on the path. It allows those sober longer than me to make certain that I am where I am supposed to be, and those with less time than me to see where they are headed. Without this we do a great disservice to the fellowship because we take away what we all came here looking for: The hope that we too can be free from alcohol perpetually.

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Alcoholic, Recovering, Recovered?

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous states clearly that we are to identify ourselves as simply "members of Alcoholics Anonymous". However, along the way (I am guessing when this business of you are an alcoholic when you say you are started) we began identifying ourselves prior to sharing in meetings in a way that can not only say who we are but what we are, what school of thought we come from and what we believe in.

I can often be found at meetings simply sharing without introduction, by now you know who I am, what's the point? But is this small act of defiance against the mainstream views itself an attempt to individualize and set me apart from everyone else?

I was asked today why it is that I identify myself as a recovering alcoholic, and why I don't say recovered. Right there a line is drawn, some will say there are at least 2 distinct schools of thought in AA and I will lose half of you when I choose my side. Do I believe that you can recover from this "seemingly hopeless state of mind and body''? Have I recovered from it too, the answer is yes, unequivocally yes. And given enough time I can and will explain in great depth and detail my thoughts about this (stay tuned). However this is just about introductions, so I will stick to that...

After the 10th step the book says we are to increase in understanding and effectiveness. I believe that in order to be effective I have to be heard. That includes but is not limited to, not drawing any clear lines when I share that will force the person on the other end to stop listening prematurely based on preconceived notions I may never get the chance to explain. I want them to hear what I say after the introduction rather than get lost in the meaning behind the intro.

Now, when I share in meetings and I introduce myself, I do so as a recovering alcoholic. Here's why: it is what I was told to do when  I was new, I lacked sober experience so I relied on others who were sober longer than me to guide me. I have since gained sober experience which changed my opinion, however I am still following the directions I was given in the beginning.

Whatever your reason may be, remember this, we are here to discuss the solution to alcoholism (a word I have a hard time spelling) which we can all agree on. We should spend a little more energy listening to the message after the intro, and a little less energy attempting to discern from the intro a person's AA correctness.

Up next, on a similar note....Why no one wants to share their sobreity date in meetings and the detrimental effect that can have on the fellowship...

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Quantity vs. Quality

Ahhh, the age old debate, though it's been my experience that the only people who truly believe that quality outweighs quantity are those who have themselves experienced quantity and lost it.

It is often those new in the fellowship or back for another round who diminish or down play the legitimacy of length of sobriety  in an effort to feel better about their personal position on the ladder...AA is not a level playing field.

In a perfect world these two are directly proportional to one another, where in as your years increase so shall you generalized quality. Now, that is not to say there won't be the obvious low points along the way, but our program is divinely designed to lead us to God and the closer we get the better off we should be. 

That is not to say there are not some old, grouchy members of our fellowship who don't want what we have and we certainly don't want what they have, or do we? If the goal is long-term sobriety and the freedom that comes with that, then who are we to judge the elder member who has a chip? I was told once that if I remained sober long enough I would get well against my will, and that has been my experience. The quality of my life has improved exponentially. The idea that a slipper or new person would stand in judgment of  a veteran of our fellowship is unwise at best. My sponsor used to say, "I'm happy that I am sober, but not sober because I am happy". Placing these sorts of emotional conditions on our sobriety are the very elements that have crept into our fellowship and caused a decline in recovery rates.

The goal is freedom from alcohol on a physical, mental, and spiritual plane. It is contrary to popular opinion to be happy and joyous as well. While I have certainly been happy and joyous, I have also suffered a great deal and a new person looking at me through the pair of glasses that judges based on quality would certainly run from me. However, that same new person looking at me from a different perspective would say to themselves..."look at this person staying sober despite the obvious difficulties he is enduring, I want the  freedom that comes from that"...

Here is an example: A certain member of AA becomes engaged in an argument with another member at the first's place of employment, member A sees member B angry and upset and passes judgment, that his sobriety must not be that good...Member A has slipped and is back again and member B has been sober continuously 3 times longer than the other member.

In this example member A has no right to call into question the quality of the other's sobreity because they have no idea the amount of pain or work that has gone into it.

I am grateful today that the legitimacy of my sobriety is based in the years I have and not the look on my face or the length of my fuse.

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Is Sobriety Enough?

When asked recently about the gifts I had received as a result of staying sober my thoughts went immediately on the defensive. While our fellowship is often sold to folks on the premise of being a cure-all to our life's problems, the fact is that Alcoholics Anonymous and more precisely sobriety is about freedom from alcohol.

I was rapidly drawn to the four or five times in my sober experience when my world had come crashing down around me and I was left with nothing more than sobriety. During those moments, and yes I mean those dark nights of the soul, when even the most connected to God people I know, lose touch, sobriety must be enough.

Our fellowship today along with the professional community would like for us to believe that if we can somehow straighten everything out within the confines of and AA meeting, then we can leave that meeting with no issues and can hence stay sober for one more day. So here is where this gets a little controversial, because as a self-help/group therapy program AA is worthless. We no so much know how to fix ourselves or you for that matter, as we know how to stop drinking without divine intervention. So why is it such common place for us to walk into a meeting and ask for advice or solutions to life's little problems? Let's give the credit where it is deserved...God will fix us when we jump in the trench and start digging. Drinking is not a cause and effect situation, and that said there is no way to adjust my conditions (read: get the right gifts and benefits) in life to maintain permanent  sobriety without God. Wouldn't we be better off extending all of this energy helping others to hear the solution (digging the trench), rather than attempting to fix ourselves through cognitive therapy?

I hesitate to talk about the things that I have received, because I have been sober long enough to know that the things of this world, including emotional states are temporal. Armed with that knowledge, I now know that sobreity is perpetual and can last through even the lowest times.

That is not to say there haven't been some wonderful gifts, and credit must be given where credit is due, but one day, though little or no fault of my own I will again find myself standing at the precipice staring at my crumbled life and exuding gratitude over the simple yet profound knowledge that because I am sober today I will be able to discern God's plan for me. My sober life is not contingent today, rather it is a constant, while the rest of the world floats by dynamically altering the variables.

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Meeting makers don't make it...

The central fact in our fellowship today is a generalized yet profound reliance on our fellowship to preserve our sobriety. The idea that meeting makers make it is outlandish at best. In order to clarify this  point I must fist make it clear what it takes to make it.

If one wishes to define "making it" as long-term continuous sobriety, then certain things have to change and others must become present for this to happen. There must come first a lasting lifestyle change which is all encompassing. This can and usually begins with a plethora of AA meetings where a new person is exposed to the solution we have avaiable. That person then engages the solution, embraces the lasting lifestyle changes and sets forth on a new path, one which places God in the center of our universe. In a God centered life we learn to be of maximum service to others, as well as a reliance upon his divine guidance during the certain low points to come.

It is common place in our fellowship today to use the meetings as a source of guidance in dealing with our everyday problems, problems which in context are meant to strengthen our relationship and reliance upon God
Once this relationship has matured we no longer need to rely on meetings to support us through our days, in fact it becomes detrimental to lasting sobriety to do this.

It is a paradox that we must give away what we have in order to keep what we have. What we have is a simple, perpetual solution to alcoholism, and while we have problems and the such, it is our solution we wish to keep and our solution we must give to others. We are provided a forum by which to do this in meetings and other twelve step work, however I must reiterate that without a mature relationship with God we will not have the strength or grace we need to properly supply this solution.

Meeting makers don't make it, and dispensing this advice, is akin to telling someone to go into a room but not allowing them to turn on the light. After standing in darkness for long enough they will ultimately desire to leave.

Those who "make it", rely only meetings for the  prospect of finding new members with which to share the solution, thus securing their own lasting sobriety.

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Posted in AA, fellowship, meetings, solution

Anonymity and the digital age?

Our (the fellowship of AA) 11th tradition states quite clearly that we should maintain personal anonymity at the levels of press, radio and film. With enough foresight our founding fathers would, perhaps of included the internet in this tradition.

Now, I maintain a list of friends on various social networks who share similar views in sober life and are willing to share these. We are friends, we talk, we message one another and defend each other in postings. However does lack of physical presence count for personal anonymity? Does the idea that there is some measure of privacy on the web, help to maintain this tradition even though we keep a digital presence without anonymity?

I bring this up because there exists a multitude of social networking groups, blogs and forums in which users communicate with one another candidly and intimately with seemingly low regard for their personal anonymity. Our Face Book profiles are portals into our personal and professional lives, they are often far more intimate than we would be comfortable sharing in an open meeting. However, with sometimes reckless abandon we often set ourselves lose replying to posts on various forums, liking 12step programs, befriending treatment facilities and the such.

The 11th tradition was put in place to protect the fellowship from following idols down the proverbial rabbit hole. We have in recent years, watched as high-profile members of our fellowship have destroyed the hope of thousands by picking up a drink and giving reason for those weak in spirit to give up hope in our fellowship.

The same idolatry can, and will rear it's head with-in our digital universe if we don't guard ourselves in our actions.

We need to also bear in mind that we operate in a world of strangers, thieves, victims, criminals, the weak, and broken-hearted. We should maintain a certain level of anonymity in an effort to protect our personal privacy and ultimately our safety.

Adjust your privacy settings, be careful what details of your life you share with strangers, support your friends anonymously, and protect our fellowship at the same time. We tread on dangerous grounds and must guard ourselves and our future.

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Your Truth

Our job as a fellowship (read 12-step group) is to help the individual discover their own personal truth.

Wither or not you were a continuous  hard-drinker, a black-out drinker, or a binge drinker, none of these qualify, quantify or otherwise classify you as an alcoholic.

The idea that "you are an alcoholic when you say you are" is a mute point in final argument.  Ultimately, the lines were drawn long ago, and the individual has likely crossed them without knowing. Hence, they became an alcoholic despite their unwillingness to admit it.


This brings forth the point, that an alcoholic faced with the "truth" about themselves and their condition and offered a permanent solution to the malady will likely seek the solution "with the desperation of a drowning man". But how does one come to their own personal truth?

It is our job as a fellowship to help the individual to determine this, the facts are there, the truth is the truth and it is unchanging, the only task we have is to present it. It is my belief that we as a fellowship often fail the new comer in this regard. Believing that they will somehow "see themselves in our story", we often engage in countless war story sessions hoping that someone will match up and we can hook them. However, wouldn't it be far easier for us to help lead them to their own truth? Help them to see where they crossed that line from hard drinker to "real" alcoholic?

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My name is justD

Here it is, you asked and I gave...
No, but really, this will be my very first blog post and I feel as though there should be something profound I have to say.

The most profound thing I can say is...Silence!

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