When I go

When you find me, and you will, please cover me with something warm. I can't ever seem to find a way to warm myself. I have holes in my socks, there are just always holes, but I have one pair in my bag that I never wear, because I know that someday you will find me and I want to have socks without holes. I can't figure out why this is so important. There is the possibility that I will have wasted away to nothing, that you won't have seen nor heard from me in some time, there will be dirt and grime, bottles and cans, there will be one light bulb left, casting deep shadows throughout the room. Those are my shadows, don't take them from me by raising the shade. In the wee hours of the morning I would hide in those shadows, those were the last places with-in which I could find comfort and solace. The fear and desperation are nearly overwhelming. I know that the end is near, closer than even I know.

I can't stop here, as much as I might want to. The choice was gone so long ago, that distant memory faded in the last of the fallen snow. Outside the window I could see the glint of frost against the cold concrete. I understand that concrete, in a way that others might not. The weight of the world lay upon it's weary shoulders, yet there is not a soul to cry out to.

This is not where I should have gone, I knew this wasn't the place. How many times had you said just that, and the fell of deaf ears.

Don't bring her here with you. If for some reason she arrives, please I beg of you to clean up the remnants. I don't want her to get hurt, and there are needles on the floor under the bed.

I am sober today...but he has died

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Why?

When I was brought to Alcoholics Anonymous I recieved nothing I wanted but was given everything that I needed, despite myself...The greatest gift I was given was being present at the moment when the flimsy reed turned into the powerful and loving hand of God, which in hindsight presented a relationship with a power greater than me that I never knew was possible. I keep coming back because I owe a deep debt of gratitude to the program of AA which can only be repaid through a lifetime of service, giving back what was freely given to me...

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Scars

Scars...

It's not the ones on the outside I worry most about!

I am covered in them...scars, from burns to cuts, scrapes to stitches my body tells tales of reckless endangerment of the greatest instrument I was ever given. 

It is however most compelling the scars which lie below the surface, those which cannot be seen, yet still in the dark of the night cause much pain. 

I came to a place in active addiction where I was no longer comfortable in the light with you or in the dark with me. Deep within me was a pain which I was certain you could never understand and I would likely not be able to transmit with enough weight to relieve even for a moment. I shouldered the weight of this pain for so long I had grown both weary and used to it at the same time!

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