Are you an Alcoholic?

"The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink."

page 24 The Anonymous Press Study Edition of Alcoholics Anonymous

For many of us the question of our alcoholism remained a deep mystery well into our first year of recovery. Trapped in the notion that someday things might be different, we continued to hope for a different diagnosis, all the while be bombarded with blunt truth about ourselves and our condition. At some point, for me it was near 7 months, we will find ourselves defenseless against the truth, we will either admit we are the real thing or we will leave, the battle cannot wage on forever.

Experience has taught me that the quickest way to the truth is by presenting the facts and matching them with your experience in active addiction. Alcoholism is a three part illness which consists of the following:

1. The Spiritual Malady
2. The Physical Allergy
3. The Mental Obsession

In this post I will summarize the coming 3 part series where I will shed light on these. Anyone of these can become detrimental to a normal person, but when combined together in the alcoholic these traits become deadly. It is important for an alcoholic to understand the true nature of the illness. Having a firm grasp on these concepts will not only aid in your own sober life, but will prove vital in helping the new comer to find their place amongst us.

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Posted in alcoholic, alcoholism, defenseless, mental obsession, physical allergy, spiritual malady, truth

Thank You

I just wanted to take a minute to say thank you to all who have visited or may in the future.
Having this as an avenue to communicate has been very helpful and I wish to continue well into the future.
Updates are a little slower as things in my family life have complicated, but I am here and writing.
Thanks again and God Bless
Just D

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Part 3: The Mental Obsession

" The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death." page 30 The Anonymous Press Study Edition of Alcoholics Anonymous 

I once heard it put that suffering from our metal obsession meant that when I wasn't drinking I was thinking of drinking. Now, with that said, I have not obsessed about a drink in a very long time. But it is not that simple, if it were, then cognitive reconditioning would cure of the obsession and we would be well. 

I was six months into my sober life before I was able to look back at my life before I entered the fellowship and see the various ways alcohol was controlling me. My place of employment, my friends, where I spent my money, how I drove home from work...All of these things and more were carefully plotted in an effort to ease the drink. These are also all part of the mental obsession, the drink plot. 

"again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks-drinks which they see others taking with impunity. "

Doctor's Opinion The Anonymous Press Study Edition of Alcoholics Anonymous

With the normal drinker, bad days come and go, they seem to be able to knock back a few to take off the edge and then go home to dinner and bedtime stories. The alcoholic drinker on the other hand can attempt a stint at sober living until the pain and discomfort from the internal condition becomes too great and he/she beings to seek out the familiar ease and comfort. Met with obstacles the alcoholic mind focuses all attention on obtaining the drink. 

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Rarely...

  The line says..."Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path (our directions).

The Anonymous Press Study Edition of Alcoholics Anonymous

If this is the case then why is that we have a recovery rate that is below 10% in most parts of the country? Save the studies, I have read them, I am good with numbers, but I have been around for going on 10 years and I know what I have seen. People who come to our fellowship do not stay sober...at least at first...

Perhaps you may say, they just weren't ready...or better yet they weren't willing...or even better than that one is the old line...they weren't doing it for themselves...

My experience is this, I was brought to the fellowship as a hopeless case, I was 23 years old, I was neither ready or willing to do much of anything. I was flown to a rehab facility with a pill bottle in each pocket of my pants still detoxing from the previous nights load. I was getting sober, not for me...I could care less about me...but rather for the people who cared about me and were tired of watching me die.

But in very short order and rapid succession I was introduced to the "program" of AA, I was confronted with the truth about my condition and offered a reasonable solution to the problem I now faced. Those that 12-stepped me were patient but firm and resolute and for that I am grateful. Why me though? Why can't he or she get it?

It is my belief and observation that we as a fellowship often fail the newcomer, either we miss the opportunity to carry the message, or we are too busy working on our own crap to see that God has sent a messenger to tell us to take a break from ourselves. Our "program" remains 100% successful, at least in my own personal experience!

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Sober on the road...

I consider it a true blessing and wonderful gift that I have been privileged to go to meetings all over our country and beyond...While a home group, network of sober friends and a sponsor are vital things, once a foundation is laid down and one gains some comfort in sober life...one must travel! Seek out the ends of the earth...and find us...

"We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny." Alcoholics Anonymous page 164

I have participated in meetings at Bellvue Hospital in NYC, I have sipped morning coffee while watching the sun come up over Magen's Bay in the USVI...I have had Cuban Coffee with a group of snowbirds in the Florida Keys and caught a Midnight Meeting of the Mustard Seed Group...Don't worry West Coasters I am on my way someday soon...

Everywhere I have wandered and roamed in sobreity you have been there, from the week-end trips to Tennessee to stay in touch with my Aftercare group (monthly 700 mile round-trips for dinner and a meeting), to multi-week island adventures, AA has been the backbone of my sober life on the road.

I have been to some powerful meetings, meet some extraordinary people, many of whom are forever a part of my life, have learned some awesome things, and through it all I must say Island AA is wicked awesome stuff...

It must be the small groups, the interpersonal relations, the constant flow of new old timers, that combine together to form this tight knit group of people who, despite hurricanes, poverty, an endless party atmosphere around them, stay sober year after year...Thank you for making sure that when we leave here to unwind you are there keeping the doors open and carrying the message...

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moments sublime with intervals hilarious....

It is truly a blessing to be present in life today...While this blog is meant to be an anonymous manuscript based on my sober experience, you will all have time to share some of my life and in doing get to know me a little better along the way.

"Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change." Alcoholics Anonymous page 84

To be emotionally available to those in need, those people who are suffering, to share in joy, comfort the weak, these are the very essence of our lives. We have been brought to a point of death to have the breathe of life restored, we have in a sense bore witness to the greatest possible miracle...the miracle of life...

I have progressively gained a much deeper appreciation for seeing the Hand of God in my life.

Just before the birth of my second son, recently...our delivery doctor came in and asked if it would be OK to pray...he took a knee and asked God to watch over us and the procedure...The humility was mind-blowing, to witness a doctor openly acknowledge the presence of God's hand in his every move was very powerful. God was present...and because of our common solution and a doctor who knew his limitations my son and wife are happy and healthy today...

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Part 2: The Physical Allergy

" We believe, and so suggested a few years ago, that the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy; that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker."
The Doctor's Opinion The Anonymous Press Study Edition of Alcoholics Anonymous



The second part of our discussion shall focus on the physical manifestation of our illness. While I am not a medical doctor and will make now claims on the exact science or chemistry involved in the process of the allergic reaction, I will, however, share my experience.

In active addiction I was unable to explain, sufficiently, to anyone in my life the overwhelming necessity for me to drink. There was no desire to get drunk, no longer was there the joy and excitement once associated with it, what remained was a deep and unsatisfiable urge to consume alcohol. It wasn't until I read the word "phenomenon" that I knew...there is was, the completely baffling feature, somewhere deep with-in me I was physically different.

Now in early sobriety I read trade publications, medical studies, books and pamphlets all in an effort to understand the reaction that takes place inside me when I ingest alcohol. When it is all said and done though, something inside of me is triggered and I cannot stop. I cannot call into mind with sufficient force the past hurts, I cannot muster the will power to walk away or even to set down the drink.

When a normal drinker consumes enough alcohol is aquire a moderate buzz they can, stop, or moderate their intake to remain in their desired state, if they overdo it and become ill, they might get sick and go home and not drink again for a long time. An alcoholic on the other hand will undoubtedly vomit and resume drinking again despite the physical sign that their body has had enough and is rejecting further poisoning. Allergic...absolutly.

The final portion of this will deal with the presence of withdrawl symptoms, tremors, hallucinations, etc. are all outward signs of a physical allergy being experienced by the body, when we don't have it, we need it.

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I remember where I was...

I was 17 days without a drink at 8:50 am on September 11th, 2001...I was walking a new patient in the treatment center to the nurse's station for his detox meds. As we rounded the final corner, there stood the staff, silenced and huddled around a small television in the corner of the room. It was the only TV on campus and everyone had been alerted...Cut-off from the outside world unsure of the events unfolding around us some cried, some reacted with anger, it was a very hard time...

I have been sober ever since, there is no doubt that days events, as well as the resulting emotions played into my early sobriety, that day around the world members of our fellowship gathered to share our solution and our hope to those whos lives had been forever altered.

Ours is not a support group nor a self-help program, but on that day we came together and no doubt the voicec of God was heard in our rooms, his power soothed and his grace comforted. Together that day we stayed sober in hopes that a new day would dawn and we could be present for whatever we were called to do...

No doubt that some were called to active duty, were deployed and even lost their lives defending our way of life...Some were called to be parents, sponsors, priests, and rescue workers...all members of our fellowship who on that day were called and could respond because of our solution...

In loving memory of all of those who perished, those fathers, mothers, sons and daughters...who needlessly persihed that day...You were not alone...

ps...today because of our solution I was present for the birth of my son...

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Is there a solution?

If you are reading this far into my blog chances are you have a firm sober foundation, you have been sober for a number of years and are an active member of our fellowship, therefore you are one in which the solution has come to fruition...

"But the ex-problem drinker who has found this solution, who is properly armed with facts about himself, can generally win the entire confidence of another alcoholic in a few hours. Until such an understanding is reached, little or nothing can be accomplished." 
 Page 18 The Anonymous Press Study Edition of Alcoholics Anonymous

Someone has delivered this message to you in a way that has in point of fact won over your confidence. All too often those who know nothing of the illness they refer to in this book, attempt in vain to carry a message to us. We as members need to be on guard against this. I make no claims as to the legitimacy of other methods of recovery, I am certain that something out there works for others...My experience is the program of AA is the only thing that worked for me, and that the message was delivered not by a doctor or judge, but rather a well meaning member of our fellowship who had, himself, been sober many years and practiced our principles in his daily affairs.

There is something about a shared struggle that makes one more receptive to the solution, once you know that I have been where you have and others dare not tread, suddenly we are as brothers...

Yes there is a solution, it is ours to transmit and theirs to receive...

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Humility...

Humility

     "Perpetual quietness of heart. It is to have no trouble. It is never to be fretted or vexed, irritable or sore; to wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing done against me.
     "It is to be at rest when nobody praises me, and when I am blamed or despised, it is to have a blessed home in myself where I can go in and shut the door and pray to my Father in secret and be at peace, as in a deep sea of calmness, when all around and about is seeming trouble. "

The above phrase was found at the desk of our co-founder, Dr. Bob. While we often call humility our meeting topic, it seems that many (myself included) are often miffed at the true definition of this incredible principle.

The first section of this speaks to the idea that we had in fact ceased fighting everything and everyone, we had at last come to rest or peace with all things. What is better, to be at peace amongst the storm or to be perplexed and fretted feeling as though we have been trampled or taken for granted? I have often struggled with this because it seems to be my nature to resist the feeling that I am being walked on. However, the inference gathered here makes no reference to defense of oneself against harm, rather it speaks quite clearly to the idea that we should not be bothered by such.

The second part goes even deeper into the spiritual nature of our founders, suggesting that despite the storm around us we should seek safe haven within the calm that is our heavenly Father. This also suggests that once the relationship is formed with our Higher Power we are able to then make the choice to go peacefully into his care in times of need rather than to be drawn into conflict and discord...

The Power of Humility: Choosing Peace over Conflict in Relationships

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Protecting your profile...

I am going to steer clear of recovery for just a moment to talk a bit about social networking and it's relation to anonymity. While everything I am doing is well intentioned and I have a clear conscious about it, it is also an experiment of sorts.

I began this blog in conjunction with a fake (completely anonymous) Facebook profile and linked a Twitter account to it all in an effort to build a sober social network I could not only interact with but also draw inspiration from. I wanted to get out there and meet you in the World Wide Web and talk to you about recovery.

Before long though I had been removed from some sites, certain people had taken issue with some of my actions, questioned my motives and perhaps even spoiled it all by reporting me to Facebook.

The reason for all of this is as follows: I was networking extensively from my primary FB profile with drunks and addicts across the globe, sharing bits and pieces of me as I saw fit. Then I began Groups for my business and soon I was friends with employees and co-workers and business contacts as well as family and recovering people. What those in recovery were saying was getting lost in the fold and what I wanted them to hear from me was be received by too broad of a network.

Soon I found myself unwilling to make new sober friends or participate in groups for fear that I may divulge too much info to the wrong people. Unhappy with this option I decided to make another profile...and here it is. I rapidly added as many people who were active in the FB groups and had multiple years of sobriety in an effort to cast nets into the sober world. I also planned to slowly pick through those connections and weed out those that were offense or otherwise not like minded.

If you have found yourself here, chances are I wanted you to be here or you are a great finder of awesome things...Which ever the case may be, I am happy to have you and have the freedom to talk to you all about whatever you want pertaining to sobriety. Lesson learned...I am going to talk about sobriety on your wall and if it interferes with your daily interactions with the real world, follow my lead, drop FB a note asking for a solution as AA moves into the digital age...

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Posted in networking, sober

Trust...

So much of of the ground work of our fellowship is rooted in trust that I would be remiss if I didn't devote at least one (more to come) post about this very fundamental subject.

"The reason you cannot trust is because you yourself are untrustworthy." anonymous

No truer words were spoken to me as I entered the rooms, having lived the life, lied, cheated, stole...etc, I knew that I could not be trusted, I also knew that if you knew about the places I had been you couldn't trust me either.

The thing about trust is tricky though...I will cover it briefly in 3 sections:

1. Why I am untrustworthy and it's effect on listening to you.

2. How I came to trust.

3. What trust is today.


As I began above, I was brought into the fellowship as an untrustworthy person, I lie, I steal, I think everyone else is just like me, or at least I assume that since you are all here you must be just like me. Building on this assumption gives me an out, it allows me to not have to listen, the alcoholic mind is able to rationalize much of anything that is thrown at it, warping it to suit our needs, and this issue of trust is no exception to that rule. In active addiction I learned not to trust, the less I trust the less opportunity for hurt you have.

These are the walls that must crumble before you...

I know now, that I began to trust when God softened my heart enough to begin to hear the truth, however early on the outward signs of trust were small, simple gestures from those around me. An invite into their for dinner, a ride home, an exchange of phone numbers. Soon I would begin sharing small bits of my past in confidence and I would wait for the resulting backlash. You kept my secrets, but you did so much more, you shared yours with me and in doing so showed me trust...We learn to trust when others show us how.

Today Trust has transformed itself into a vast sea. Flowing from God and through others, emanating from children and the elderly, having been lost, attempting to rebuild, sharing with and extending to others...just a few of the many forms of trust that have manifested themselves in my sober life. This much I know...you won't know for sure what trust is until it is gone...

The SPEED of Trust: The One Thing That Changes Everything

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Praying for...

I was a few days sober when a fellow member took me into a small chapel on the grounds of our rehab center and I dropped to my knees before God for the first of countless times in my sober life. Though I cannot remember the details of that prayer session I am certain that in my spiritual immaturity I mumbled some child-like prayer from my youth.
Prayer has and continues to be a powerful part of my recovery. In the beginning I prayed as I was directed to simply asking for help in that day and thanking God for another sober breathe as I lay down to sleep. Comfortable in my routine I tend to do what works until the point that it is painfully glaring that what I am doing will not get me by any longer. There have been at least 3 powerful moments in the last 9 years in which I have grown complacent in my prayer life and have been brought to my knees by God. Leading me today to believe that we should satisfy our prayer debt daily, lest it build to a point of breaking.

Over the years I have prayed in all manner of ways, quietly in the recesses of my mind, vocally with others in a congregation, I have sat silently for hours in adoration, I have meditated, sang and cried. However, today I feel as though I have some clarity in the phrase that used to baffle me:

"Praying only for God's will for us and the power to carry that out"

Discerning God's voice from ours or those around us, hearing his true will for us and then humbling ourselves before him and asking for the grace and strength with which to carry out this will is a powerful act. However simple it may sound this act will take a lifetime's worth of practice to bring into practical application in our daily lives. This is our individual primary purpose. Beyond that there is more, once the conscious contact has been formed, the bond forged in prayer and vigilant meditation, then we begin to petition God for the needs of others, that it be done according to his will, the sick be healed, the hungry fed.

There have been many a time during dark nights of the soul (Dark Night of the Soul: A Masterpiece in the Literature of Mysticism by St. John of the Cross), where I have felt lost and devoid of this contact with God, it is easy during these times to give up in prayer and good works, however through vigilance and diligent prayer I come out on the other side basking in the sunlight of his spirit...

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Freedom?

Absolute freedom exists, but true freedom is gained with some sense of morality, mortality and ultimately some control imposed on us in an effort to keep us from doing harm. In active addiction many of us felt as though we had been merely caged animals, locked inside our minds by selfishness and slef-centeredness, as well as remorse, guilt and pity.
"All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals - usually brief - were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization."

 page 30 The Anonymous Press Study Edition of Alcoholics Anonymous

Through the process of recovery we begin to let go of these feelings. We admit our faults to god and another person we can trust, and we begin a process I like to call re-moralization. We are once again capable of differentiating right from wrong, an act lost early in our active addictions...We are able to again see the pain we have caused others for what it is, the depth and weight that pain has caused so that we can make an honest, forthright and appropriate amends later in the steps. Following these amends we begin to build or relationship with a loving God and through this we become from of the burden of pain and guilt we once carried.

As we move into the 12th step and begin carrying this message to others, we then lose the last of the bars that once held us in...As we give selflessly to others, we are stripped of our selfishness and begin to experience true freedom...

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Our Primary Purpose...

The can be no life lived without purpose...
I have at various points in the past years called into question my purpose, there seems to be a reason for me to continue on, obligations aside there is a divine purpose....
How comforting it is during these times to know that as a member of our fellowship I have a primary purpose and that despite all other things in my life, I am to stay sober and carry our message to the still suffering alcoholic...

Our primary purpose, much the same as our message, exists on both an individual and group level. At the individual level we each have an obligation to the fellowship that has delivered from alcoholic despair and to the loving God's who's Grace has spared us certain death, to remain continuously sober...we are then to redeliver our message to the still suffering alcoholic. We must also bear in mind that the still suffering person may be 10 years sober.

On a group level we must see to it that our message can be clearly and consistently transmitted, that it is free of distraction and interference and that half-truths be dispelled. We must, as a group, enforce unity amongst our members so that the message does not fall into the crack between our members. Unified in our approach we can easily meet the problem head-on with the solution.

Let us all remember to be a vessel for God's will and a channel for our message....

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Attraction rather than promotion...

Alcoholics Anonymous has long stood as the last house on the block for suffering alcoholics. We have been sitting on our porch watching the hopeless stumble down the road for 70+ years. We maintain a tradition that makes certain that those who come through our doors are, for the most part, ready for our message. The effectiveness of our spiritual program relies heavily on the willingness of the individual to change, a willingness that is born of desperation and pain.

However, in recent years there has been an alarming trend of outside promotion that I would like to call attention to. Our local court systems, baffled at what to do to reduce drunk driving and substance abuse cases, have begun sentencing even first time offenders to meetings. This alarming trend has led to a decrease in our recovery rates as well as a large group of people, who do not need a spiritual solution to stay sober, infiltrating our meetings, steering them off topic, being disruptive and ultimately, because they never had an interest in staying sober in the first place, drinking again and drawing hope from those young in sobriety.

Our basic text says that when ready we will seek the solution with the desperation of a drowning man, this runs contrary to what I see in meetings today, where we spend more time selling our program to potential alcoholics instead of sharing the solution with those who desperately need it but are lost in the shuffle...What is the price we are paying to plant these seeds? Is it worth it? How many are we losing along the way the were genuinely ready to quit, how many old timers have stopped going to meetings as a result of the lack of focus on our primary purpose? Next up...Our primary purpose...A reason to live...

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Bottom?

What bottom...
There is alot of talk about bottoms in AA, where it is who hit it, who bounced off of it and continued the slide. All of these seem to do a great disservice to the new comer. There is but one bottom, Death and most of us only get to taste it once, save the select few who have been there and done that.

When we engage in such trivial chatter in meetings the tendency is to proceed into a strange form of brinkmanship, where in we get closer and closer to the edge. The end result of this is a new comer who feels as though there is much more sliding to be done before they crash land in our fellowship.

But...
They are already here, there is no need to continue out there with the countless vain attempts. I view this as a recovery elevator, every so often as you plummet down the shaft you come to a screeching halt as the door dings and opens allowing you to exit if you wish. Some call this a moment of clarity, that brief flash where you see your life for what it is and not what you want it to be. Perhaps better even still, this is the God's Grace and Mercy saving us from ourselves, whatever the case may be it is up to us to get off, allow the doors to close behind us and continue on stairs back up...

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Is Acceptance the answer?

I tend to challenge this deeply rooted ideas in the fellowship that simply don't hold water...
The premise that acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today is no exception. While I whole-heartily agree with the idea that if I am in the presence of God's will (read if I in his will and not my own) then absolutely all that is swirling around me is of his doing.

However, my sober experience has taught me that staying sober is the answer to all of my problems today. We as a fellowship tend to lean in the direction of causes and want work on those, acceptance being one of those things. We want to believe that if we can simply be "ok" with whatever is going on around us, then we will be able to maintain peace of mind and thus sobriety.

The flip side of this coin is that if you stay sober you will increase in understanding, your relationship with God will improve and you will gain acceptance and tolerance against your will. The trap in all of this comes when we are simply unable to accept something, and there are certain things we should not accept. Is your foundation built to withstand staying sober despite lack of accceptance? Evil exists out there, the fellowship is full of half-truths, lies and predators. As our moral and ethical belief system matures, there should be things that we simply cannot live with and we should take sober strides to help however we can. I must also say that without a firm foundation rooted in staying sober in spite of all else, we cannot persevere through the struggle that will come from this. We must not let the idea of acceptance lead us into apathy.

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Made a difference to that one...

Said the little boy...

Sometimes there will be blog entries that are nothing but inspirational stories that I have picked up along the way, parables that have increased in depth over the years...

An old man sat at the edge of a sea shore looking down the beach below.
Off in the distance he sawa small boy walking along the beach throwing stranded star fish back into the ocean. Curious, the old man wandered down to the water to inquire about the boys actions.

"Young man," he said "you cannot possible make a difference, just look at all of these Star Fish, you are just wasting your time."

The young boy, reached down, picked up the nearest Star Fish, gingerly threw it into the water, then turn to the old man and said, "Made a difference to that one."

While we cannot make a difference to the whole world, our actions can and will make a difference in just one person's life. While the trend is that if the work looks overwhelming why even try, think of all the good that can be done along the way.

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Hope for the Hopeless...

"For those who are unable to drink moderately the question is how to stop altogether. We are assuming, of course, that the reader desires to stop. Whether such a person can quit upon a nonspiritual basis depends upon the extent to which he has already lost the power to choose whether he will drink or not. Many of us felt that we had plenty of character. There was a tremendous urge to cease forever. Yet we found it impossible. This is the baffling feature of alcoholism as we know it - this utter inability to leave it alone, no matter how great the necessity or the wish." Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 34

The grace of  God brought to the fellowship in 2001 as a hopeless case. I had made numerous attempts at sobriety without success and had seen all manner of professionals who had given up hope. My family had begun to write me off and I was in failing physical health.

The predominant feeling at this stage of my life was utter hopelessness, the kind of dark feeling one has when they have resigned themselves to the idea that death is inevitable and they must because of some masochistic obligation continue to trudge forward. When one reaches this stage of hopelessness,  it become difficult to muster any sort of confidence that there exists a way out, no effort seems worth it as all avenues have been tried and have led to eventual failure.

Now the dictionary defines hope as: noun -a person or thing in which expectations are centered.

I define hope as this: Hope is the product of our collective experience.
This means that as a fellowship there exists a collective whole, we as members have once individually been hopeless and were brought together through an act of love and given hope by those who have gone before us. As we become a small part of a greater whole the collective experience we have creates an even greater hope for the new person. We are in fact a living message.

Having been convinced in short order that you had been where I was and had traversed the pit of despair, I was left with no choice but to join ranks with my fellows and follow your simple directions, soon after the pain and fog began to lift and the sun shone through. There was now hope where I had once been hopeless...

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Just an arms length away from God...

There is an idea, a theory if you will that seems to permeate the very fabric of our fellowship and in doing so robs the hope, steals the wind from countless new people and old timers alike. I beleive today, as I was told,  that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous as it is shared in the spoken word and laid out in our basic text is a path to God. That it's consumation results not only a deep and personal desire to know God, but also in the reciprocating effect of that, which is the presence of God in my life.

Lack of power is our dilema, always has been, I am powerless over alcohol. Now the rest follows a very logical and rational thought pattern and process, and while few are able to grasp, comprehend and understand the complexity of it in early sobreity it works.

Through the surrender of our will the cleaning of our personal defects the amending of our past wrongs and the maintenance of these things, coupled with consistant prayer, meditation and service to others, we are given power. God channels his power through us to give us the Grace and Strength we need to remain Sober. We also through this process create a lifestyle that is not condusive to drinking.

Relationships are forged, pyshcic changes have occured, channels are opened, and while that does not ensure permenant sobriety, it does ensure a daily reprive contigent on the maintenance of this spiritual program. These things can be ignored, broken, and undone. Character defects can return, prayer life can become stale, sponsers can move and not be replaced, we stop attending meetings, etc. All of these can eventually lead to a drink. However the longer I am sober and doing these things the further from a drink I get, and the closer to God I become! Today there is hope in the idea that I am no longer an arm's length away from a drink!

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Carrying what message?

I have been often challenged with the question...what is the message of AA? Perplexed and lacking a definite answer I have sought out what I believe to be the best representation of our message possible.
Now I have heard all manner of things, most are right but only a small piece of the ultimate puzzle. Yes, AA is a path to God, the steps lead there, freedom from alcohol, so on and so forth. But what is the message?

"God, I offer myself to Thee-to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"

Contained in this simple prayer is the whole message of AA, in fact broken into individual parts this prayer contains all of our steps and the path to God...Let me explain.

1. God I offer myself to Thee

Within this phrase is contained the first 2 steps of surrender...Admittance of powerlessness and unmanageablity we turn our lives over to God

2.to build with me and do with me as Thou wilt.

A little more abstract but there none the less is the beginning of step 3-7 as we begin to clean house to allow for God to shape and mold our lives into the life we are supposed to be leading. These first two phrases blend together into a for of letting go of our old ways, accepting God into our lives and beginning the necessary changes to live sober lives.

3.Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.

How are we relieved of selfishness and self centeredness? It begins with amends in 8-9 where we are able to first take an honest look at the harm we have caused others and make an effort to right those wrongs. Once those things are out of the way and we can begin to see that we have an impact on the lives of others we are better able to do Gods will.

4. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help

Step 11 and then into Step 12 this phrase moves. Our difficulties are never fully removed we are simply granted the grace, dignity and strength to overcome them through maintenance of a conscious contact with God. The changes in our lives can be shared with newcomers in 12th step work giving an abundance of hope as they are able to see the power of God flow through us.

5.Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"

Lack of power that is the dilemma...He gives us power, teaches us to love unconditionally so that we can operate in his way of life not our own. With the bond intact and the conscious contact prevalent we strive to do God will (practice our principles in all of our affairs) always...

Our message is right there...

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Are you depressed?

Call it a moment of clarity, or divine intervention, call it whatever you will...seven days into my stay at my only rehab facility, I asked to be weened from my anti-depressants. Sure I was depressed, and I had a prescription, to prove it. However given the current state of my life spiritually, emotionally, and physically, who wouldn't be depressed? Why shouldn't I get this little pill that helps me feel better each day? Here's why...What happens when it doesn't work, and it won't, there would come a time in my sober life when I would be depressed on anti-depressants and would seek something with a little more kick and there I go again.

Now, before the usual "you aren't a doctor" bit starts, let me say this, I am not a medical professional and my advice has no relevant medical basis, the only thing I have to share is my experience. Here goes...weened from the meds I began to experience moderate depression as the gradual re-moraliztion began to occur (more on this in another post). I had, however, been drinking and drugging heavily for years and my life was in shambles, to think I would just skate by with no pain was fool hardy.

"If you want the strongest wood in the forest, you must go where the wind blows the hardest."

We are in point of fact strengthened by the sober struggle. It is in this struggle that we come to better know, love, understand, respect and ultimately depend on God. It is also in this struggle that we begin to identify with others and start to write the story that will soon help others to grasp sobriety. Mood and mind altering medications act as clouds, blotting out the sunlight of the spirit with in which we are to operate in our daily lives. I am not saying you don't have a right to be depressed, I have battled my share of it in the last 9 years, what I am saying is that I have been present for this pain, and have grown through it and matured emotionally and spiritually as a result. I am able to identify new sober experience and share these in meetings with new-comers.

In recent years I have noticed an alarming trend of unethical prescription writing practices, where in individuals are loosely diagnosed and over written on prescriptions to the point of habit forming. Doctors tend to be quick to skip over the preliminary causes and solutions such as seeking therapy or lifestyle modification and the go straight for the pen and paper. We are responsible for our own recovery and we need to be certain we inform our doctors of our intentions as to not get something we don't need or want in a moment of weakness.

Today there is no depression, God has removed it and replaced it with grace and joy, someday the depression may very well return, I will engage more heavily in prayer, I will help others and I will look for the source of the clouds blocking me from the sunlight of His spirit...Up next...be careful who you listen to, you may not want what they have!

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The Social Network Sponsor...

Information whizzes bye at the speed of light, fiber optics, wifi, satellites in the sky...and here we are, recovering alcoholics who for the most part have a very difficult time keeping anything simple.

It took just 164 pages for our founding fathers to lay the ground work for the program of recovery we all know and love today. With in those pages the solution to our problem lay, who could have know 75 years later where we would be. In it's early days AA groups sprung up outwardly with Akron as an Epicenter. Word travelled with recovered businessmen on trains, travelling salesmen, and book sales. If a fellow and his family moved to the next town he would surely start a new group and do his best to maintain the fellowship he knew so well from the old town.

Fast Forward...Star Date 2010...Myspace is dead, but worry not, you can, in the touch of a button, connect to hundreds with Facebook, tweet Book Quotes from Twitter, you can even become the mayor of your homegroup on Foursquare (not advisable). However with the speed at which information flows the necessity for diligence grows exponentially. Everyone has an opinion and now they can deliver this opinion rapidly to the masses with very little effort. Our tendency is to believe that these Social Networks will help us to better connect to like minded recovering people, allowing us to network, share and befriend those that share our beliefs and views. Buyer beware...there is a very real possibility we will begin to substitute our regular meetings to stay home with a cup of coffee and interact online...why not it's so much more comfortable.

While the virtual meeting space, the social network, and even this blog can help us to feel connected, let us not forget to get out there in the real world and interact. We can be anyone we want out here in the www, that means anyone else can too. Before you share your 5th step with that person you meet on ICQ, take a minute to ask yourself why you don't have a sponsor that attends your home group? What are you hiding? What is that person on the other end hiding? While this may seem extreme, it should serve as a note of caution, we as a fellowship are crossing into a new domain and we need to be prepared not only as individuals but as groups and as a fellowship for the coming changes in an effort to safe guard our future. As easy as it is to do good out there in the www, it is just as easy to do harm. For every piece of positive AA material there are countless pieces of propaganda against us.

The Social Network will certainly maintain it's place in out fellowship for years to come, and can and will be a vital tool for those members who are in remote areas and unable to fellowship, but AA promises that we will become useful members of society, that we will get out there in the world and do great things and meet awesome people, so let's  remember to maintain a balance...Anyone wanna be my Social Network Sponsor? Submit your resume on Monster.com, link me to your blog and twitter pages, friend me on FB and then let me review your Linkdin profile...see how easily we can complicate that???

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If you want what we have...

The operative word is "we" in the above statement, as in the one thing we share as members of our fellowship...sobriety. Alcoholism effects nearly 15% of the world, that does not, however, mean that everyone in AA is an alcoholic. And even those who are might not be practicing our principles in all of their affairs. To the new-comer, the vulnerable and the weak these people may appear helpful, genuine, sincere and sober. This is a dangerous trap, newcomers can be lead away from the message of AA by non-alcoholic, lonely, or otherwise disenfranchised members of our fellowship, often resulting in these newcomers leaving our meetings.

Our program of recovery is 100% successful, meaning that without a doubt when our spiritual principles are applied in our daily lives they bring about a psychic change sufficient for recovery. Without these spiritual tools, the real alcoholic will drink again without doubt. It is of paramount importance that the new members of our fellowship are steered to responsible, well meaning, and sober members of our program so that they are delivered our message in a clear and consistent fashion.

Be careful who you listen to, you should be able to tell in short order, who is following the steps of our program and who is not. Familiarize yourself with our basic text, look for similarities between what someone shares and what is in that book, while they may not match perfectly they should be generally the same. Look for sponsees, if they have none there is probably a reason. Ask how long they are sober, yes this matters, a person can have all the head knowledge in the world, can say they have been "around" for a few 24 hours, sound really good in meetings, but when you ask the truth is they have never made it more than 6 months between loads.

If you have beliefs about such things as religion, medication, sexual preference, meetings, etc...it is wise to find someone with whom you share these beliefs. Like minded people (as long as your thinking is correct) exist and will be happy to share with you with love and tolerance. I practice a certain religion, therefor I am particularly well suited to sponsor someone who also participates in this religion. It also means that we should share the same moral and ethical beliefs.

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Sponsor, Therapist or Meeting....

What to share when and why...From the time I was early in recovery I was told what was appropriate to share in a meeting and what was not by a sponsor, I was also informed when I was beyond their range of expertise and where else I ought to seek advice. While I believe there is a place for everything, I also believe that we are often misguided in where that place is. Here's a breakdown of what to share where and why.

Meetings: Should be a gathering of alcoholics in a GSO sanctioned group with a format, a chairperson and a topic. While it has become common place to open a meeting with the question "who has a problem", this is neither good for the person who has the problem, nor for anyone else in the meeting. The person who chairs the meeting should come to the meeting with a topic prepared, and unless there is a new person there and the focus needs to shift to 1st step solution, then it is the chairs responsibility to keep the meeting on topic. We can help, if the chair has no topic, by selecting one that is common and general and then sharing on this topic briefly to allow others time to prepare their thoughts, we can also bring the meeting back on topic when we share mid-meeting. It is also helpful to share in a way that summarizes the key points of the meeting at the end for those with less time to get ahold of the best tid-bits of info. It is not our place to share where we are today, what small problem we are facing or obstacle that lye in our path. AA meetings should be general and solution oriented, and should never be about one individuals problem or need, this type of group sponsorship promotes a lack of sponsorship as well as an overall sense of self-will run riot. If an individual member wishes to discuss his/her personal issues in a meeting it is up to us the responsible members of AA to politely ask them to stay on topic and inform them we would be happy to discuss this after the meeting. If they object, inform them that our 5th tradition states we are there to talk about alcoholism and recovery from it only.

Sponsor: Here is an individual who has elected to help guide you down the path of recovery, while the role of the sponsor varies widely this term was originally derived from the person who offered to "sponsor" a patient into the hospital for detox in the early days of AA. General rule of thumb is that you talk to your sponsor about everything recovery related, and that you discuss those things you would not feel comfortable speaking about in a meeting with your sponsor. Also if it falls outside of the range of meeting materials I listed above you should talk with a sponsor about this. While they may offer advice on personal relationships, money and finance, and religion it is generally accepted that this advice be accepted as you would a close friend or parent who has gone through the same or similar experience and come out the other side. However, those things pertaining to AA and recovery should be followed as though they are directions without hesitation or deviation.

Therapy: There have been a few occasions that called for a professional in my sober life and I am grateful there were people to call on when no one else could seem to help. Many of us have outside issues, abuse, deviant behavior, anger and rage, etc...that we are neither comfortable discussing with others or able to fix on our own, for these things The Big Book clearly states we should seek outside help. Remember though that as alcoholics we must remain free of mood and mind altering substances as the professional community tends to lack proper ethics when it comes to a prescription pad. We are responsible for our sobriety and a second or even third opinion from an elder member of AA should be sought before taking any medication.

Lastly let's not forget that quiet place of prayer, where in many of us should go to seek not only the answers we need but also the strength and courage to follow through. Many of our trials are meant simply to strengthen our relationship with God. Seek him...Stay tuned for the next entry which will be certain to please...Anti-depressants and the modern meeting!

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Most common denominator...

The fellowship today tends to lend itself to the idea that most everything in life today, all the heart ache, the troubles, the highs and the lows are associated (no matter how loosely) with recovery from alcoholism. This entitles some to share whatever they please in meetings under the guise that it pertains to their recovery. Let's keep in mind though, that we are here to share in the common solution, and this solution is much like math in that it must be shared in the most common denominator. That is, when we share we are to do so in a general way that is non-exclusive and simple enough to include the most number of people.

When specific problems are shared in our fellowship and are not generalized they have to the tendency to be inclusive to some and exclusive to most, leaving the other members feeling left out. It also limits the amount of experience that can be drawn from in the meeting. Perhaps you are Catholic and have been away from the Church in active addiction. You come to an open meeting and want to hear some experience from members who have had a similar experience. Only if you share this you are liable to immediately exclude more than half the room who are either non-Catholic or have had a bad experience with the church. Try this instead, ask for experience about God, ask how working the steps has lead others to a better relationship with God. This takes out a single excluding factor.

In the end we all share in a common denomination, alcoholism and recovery from it. We have a solution we have been able to agree upon completely and whenever possible we should try to share form our experience as it pertains to this solution. Having financial problems, what about the homeless person across the room? Does that make the fear of losing your home any less troubling? No, but would fear or the promise fear of financial insecurity leaving a better topic than the specifics of you losing your home?

Part of the reason the fellowship is experiencing such poor recovery rates is the simple fact that so many of us have trouble latching on and feeling as though we belong. This is due in large part to the fact that it has become common place to talk about our problems as they pertain to "our" own individual recovery instead of sharing about the common struggle and the common solution to this.

Up next...Meeting, Sponsor, or Therapist...the tendency for us to confuse what is shared where!

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