What to share when and why...From the time I was early in recovery I was told what was appropriate to share in a meeting and what was not by a sponsor, I was also informed when I was beyond their range of expertise and where else I ought to seek advice. While I believe there is a place for everything, I also believe that we are often misguided in where that place is. Here's a breakdown of what to share where and why.
Meetings: Should be a gathering of alcoholics in a GSO sanctioned group with a format, a chairperson and a topic. While it has become common place to open a meeting with the question "who has a problem", this is neither good for the person who has the problem, nor for anyone else in the meeting. The person who chairs the meeting should come to the meeting with a topic prepared, and unless there is a new person there and the focus needs to shift to 1st step solution, then it is the chairs responsibility to keep the meeting on topic. We can help, if the chair has no topic, by selecting one that is common and general and then sharing on this topic briefly to allow others time to prepare their thoughts, we can also bring the meeting back on topic when we share mid-meeting. It is also helpful to share in a way that summarizes the key points of the meeting at the end for those with less time to get ahold of the best tid-bits of info. It is not our place to share where we are today, what small problem we are facing or obstacle that lye in our path. AA meetings should be general and solution oriented, and should never be about one individuals problem or need, this type of group sponsorship promotes a lack of sponsorship as well as an overall sense of self-will run riot. If an individual member wishes to discuss his/her personal issues in a meeting it is up to us the responsible members of AA to politely ask them to stay on topic and inform them we would be happy to discuss this after the meeting. If they object, inform them that our 5th tradition states we are there to talk about alcoholism and recovery from it only.
Sponsor: Here is an individual who has elected to help guide you down the path of recovery, while the role of the sponsor varies widely this term was originally derived from the person who offered to "sponsor" a patient into the hospital for detox in the early days of AA. General rule of thumb is that you talk to your sponsor about everything recovery related, and that you discuss those things you would not feel comfortable speaking about in a meeting with your sponsor. Also if it falls outside of the range of meeting materials I listed above you should talk with a sponsor about this. While they may offer advice on personal relationships, money and finance, and religion it is generally accepted that this advice be accepted as you would a close friend or parent who has gone through the same or similar experience and come out the other side. However, those things pertaining to AA and recovery should be followed as though they are directions without hesitation or deviation.
Therapy: There have been a few occasions that called for a professional in my sober life and I am grateful there were people to call on when no one else could seem to help. Many of us have outside issues, abuse, deviant behavior, anger and rage, etc...that we are neither comfortable discussing with others or able to fix on our own, for these things The Big Book clearly states we should seek outside help. Remember though that as alcoholics we must remain free of mood and mind altering substances as the professional community tends to lack proper ethics when it comes to a prescription pad. We are responsible for our sobriety and a second or even third opinion from an elder member of AA should be sought before taking any medication.
Lastly let's not forget that quiet place of prayer, where in many of us should go to seek not only the answers we need but also the strength and courage to follow through. Many of our trials are meant simply to strengthen our relationship with God. Seek him...Stay tuned for the next entry which will be certain to please...Anti-depressants and the modern meeting!
Meetings: Should be a gathering of alcoholics in a GSO sanctioned group with a format, a chairperson and a topic. While it has become common place to open a meeting with the question "who has a problem", this is neither good for the person who has the problem, nor for anyone else in the meeting. The person who chairs the meeting should come to the meeting with a topic prepared, and unless there is a new person there and the focus needs to shift to 1st step solution, then it is the chairs responsibility to keep the meeting on topic. We can help, if the chair has no topic, by selecting one that is common and general and then sharing on this topic briefly to allow others time to prepare their thoughts, we can also bring the meeting back on topic when we share mid-meeting. It is also helpful to share in a way that summarizes the key points of the meeting at the end for those with less time to get ahold of the best tid-bits of info. It is not our place to share where we are today, what small problem we are facing or obstacle that lye in our path. AA meetings should be general and solution oriented, and should never be about one individuals problem or need, this type of group sponsorship promotes a lack of sponsorship as well as an overall sense of self-will run riot. If an individual member wishes to discuss his/her personal issues in a meeting it is up to us the responsible members of AA to politely ask them to stay on topic and inform them we would be happy to discuss this after the meeting. If they object, inform them that our 5th tradition states we are there to talk about alcoholism and recovery from it only.
Sponsor: Here is an individual who has elected to help guide you down the path of recovery, while the role of the sponsor varies widely this term was originally derived from the person who offered to "sponsor" a patient into the hospital for detox in the early days of AA. General rule of thumb is that you talk to your sponsor about everything recovery related, and that you discuss those things you would not feel comfortable speaking about in a meeting with your sponsor. Also if it falls outside of the range of meeting materials I listed above you should talk with a sponsor about this. While they may offer advice on personal relationships, money and finance, and religion it is generally accepted that this advice be accepted as you would a close friend or parent who has gone through the same or similar experience and come out the other side. However, those things pertaining to AA and recovery should be followed as though they are directions without hesitation or deviation.
Therapy: There have been a few occasions that called for a professional in my sober life and I am grateful there were people to call on when no one else could seem to help. Many of us have outside issues, abuse, deviant behavior, anger and rage, etc...that we are neither comfortable discussing with others or able to fix on our own, for these things The Big Book clearly states we should seek outside help. Remember though that as alcoholics we must remain free of mood and mind altering substances as the professional community tends to lack proper ethics when it comes to a prescription pad. We are responsible for our sobriety and a second or even third opinion from an elder member of AA should be sought before taking any medication.
Lastly let's not forget that quiet place of prayer, where in many of us should go to seek not only the answers we need but also the strength and courage to follow through. Many of our trials are meant simply to strengthen our relationship with God. Seek him...Stay tuned for the next entry which will be certain to please...Anti-depressants and the modern meeting!
Last two blogs...I find to be such an important topic and, at least where I go to meetings, where the fellowship has gotten most off track. The "Problems other than alcohol" pamphlet says: "Sobriety - freedom from alcohol - through the teaching and practice of the Twelve Steps is the sole purpose of an AA group."
ReplyDeleteOn a simple level, the danger strikes me as so evident: If the root of our problem is our selfishness and self-centeredness, is it wise to view a meeting as a place where a group of people are gathered to listen to me dump my problems? I need, and I do assume that most of us need, less thinking about ourselves and our problems as a general rule.
I think it is natural for us to have an urge to let the person go on about their problem, both out of genuine sympathy and a desire to have them like us...but I don't believe that it is ultimately helpful to do so. I count this as perhaps my biggest struggle thus far as a sponsor; to tell my sponsees that instead of complaining to me about their problems they had better do a tenth step on it.
Glad we agree here...there are some things I have to say that I am often unable to vocalize to a group of closed minded people who believe that theirs is the only way. AA is not about a majority vote...we have a way and it is not to be deviated from..Thanks for sharing your thoughts you make some great points!
ReplyDeleteNo where does it state that a sponsor is required to get sober in the book , first of all, in fact it doesn't even mention the word sponsor in the book . I do think they are vital in guiding folks through the steps, traditions and concepts , but thats about it ! I know there are alot of sponsors that take advantage of sponsees and have their sponsee paint there sponsors house and the like , and I totally disagree with that, likewise I know " sponsors" that run sponsees lives, I disagree with that too.
ReplyDeleteAlso Other Drunks in the program have no business being therapists, just cause you've stayed sober for awhile doesn't mean your a therapist ! Now if your a licensed therapist , then that may be different, but I know AA frowns on such associations ! It's kinda like the "jailhouse lawyers" , you know the ones that tell you what you ought to do about your case ... well first of all their in Jail too , that ought to tell you something of the source of the direction !!!
I know all people sponsor differently , but the only way I can sponsor is based on my experience, period !!! So what and how I was shown is exactly how I must carry the message. Who am I to think I can say this sponsee needs to go through the steps in this amount of time and the other sponsee a different amount of time ? , after all my drinking got me to 4 dui's and going to jail, so like I said above ONLY my experience is what matters !
I sponsor and have sponsored many guys, and it always works , when I draw from my experience , and if what their asking isn't something I've had experience with , then I point them in the direction of someone who has.
Great stuff folks...While I never expected (in fact my point was for us not agree) us to agree, it is good for the discussion to get out there and fueled up and for people to dig deep and share honestly! TY for taking the time!
ReplyDeleteMeetings are a part of the twelfth suggestion. "Frequent contact with newcomers and each other is the bright spot of our lives."
ReplyDeleteIf I follow the suggestions in the book I should be very mindful when working with others in general and there are specific instructions on how to speak with newcomers. Discussing the book or the steps are not in those instructions, unless the prospect expresses a desire to discuss them. Just coming to an AA meeting doesn't make a guy willing to accept membership and it's suggested program of recovery. As to what a meeting should be, is up to the autonomous group, as long as it supports the primary purpose and does not harm another group or AA as a whole. My homegroup has two members, two mentors(sponsors), and a few guys who float through. We focus intently on the newcomer and if anyone "has a problem" understanding the program of AA.(not marital, financial, or otherwise personal issues) Those of course are for one on one discussion at the individuals discretion.
Sponsorship in many cases is, as you stated; a way for some drunk to continue to be selfish and self centered within the confines of the fellowship. It's a wonder some of those dominating egotists don't get sauced. It's not a badge like a sheriff wears, although some think so. It undermines our traditions by appealing to the imperious nature of an alcoholic and mankind to set up some sort of hierarchy. We have but one ultimate authority, the group conscious, our higher power, God. I like to think we all sponsor each other if we apply the principles to our lives. Hell, I'll go so far as to say we probably aren't even aware of the people we have most successfully sponsored. God's will and a person's willingness to accept it are what makes this program work.
I don't want to sound resentful about this stuff because I know without my voice and face you all might take these words harshly. The fellowship, meetings, and sponsorship are all the way they are because we either will it that way or God does, I'm grateful to have the opportunity to openly share my opinions and understanding of this work without having to one up anybody or feel trodden upon. Thanks for the forum.
Thank You Anonymous....That was awesome!
ReplyDelete