Silence

I am terrified of the screams I hear in the silence of the night. It is there in cold darkness, alone with my thoughts when the stark reality of the world around me is most beautifully illuminated in the moonlight. I am often stuck by the sharpness of the truth when viewed through my own eyes. Painful as it may be, it's easily distracted if need be.

"God speaks in the silence of the heart, listening is the beginning of prayer." -Mother Teresa

When faced with difficult decisions, I often balk at action in exchange for an extended pause for reflection and opportunity for change without purposeful action. I am also frequently guilty of waiting for a decision to be made for me by someone or something else which allows me to play my hole card...victim. If I pause long enough to place the decision squarely in someone else's hands either by default or because they have less tolerance for the situation than I, they are forced to decide the outcome, if it turns out wonderfully, I can thank God and praise myself for my part in inactivity. If it turns out poorly as it often does, I can blame the other party for jumping to a decision too hastily. 

The best course is of course to seek the counsel of others, to pray in earnest for the knowledge of God's will and the power to carry it out, and lastly to take the appropriate action at the time it should be carried out to achieve the expected result, and then adjust accordingly as the situation then dictates! But the silence of truth is deafening. 

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Posted in ego, emotions, God, praying, truth, will

Broken Things

What is it about broken things which I find so alluring? I am drawn, much like a magnet to metal, to people, places and things which need repair.

I am certain with enough self-examination, I would uncover a certain unwillingness to repair my own inner workings, an egocentric selfish desire to boost my own esteem at the plight of an innocent struggling soul. I am oft misguided by some belief that what I have gained here in this journey is somehow of my own design, that it is patentable, reproducible and thus has value to others based on my own experience. In hindsight, the only real value to the journey is the journey.

Perhaps it has more to do with my own feelings of self doubt and insecurity, in compensation I surround myself with those whom I can stand above, perched upon the moral high ground, peering down at the world's bottom feeders as though I don't belong with you.

Rationalizing as I might, that I am truly unselfish in my acts and intentions, that the only payoff I seek is the sparkle in the eyes of the newly enlightened soul, but who am I kidding? Not you...

Further extrapolation reveals that my true calling is to be a vessel for God in the lives of others, that through the spiritual principle of humility, I am to be nothing and He is to be everything. All works done in my presence are of His doing and I, as powerful as I may think I am, have at once become feeble in the eyes of our Creator. Thus it is my duty to give freely of what was given to me, to be ever vigilant that my actions, my thoughts, my words, what I do and what I fail to do, do not inhibit the spiritual growth of myself or another in any way. The precise moment hinderance becomes the course, I have moved from the will of God to my own and certain peril is close at hand.

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Posted in self-centeredness, selfishness