For those of you who are mathematically challenged, that is just over 9 years of continuous sobriety. There are those in the fellowship today that will scoff at the mere mention of a sobriety date in a meeting as though doing so violates some secret AA law, or perhaps not doing it is an outward sign of humility proving to others that you are better than they. Or, even better yet, if I tell you how long I am sober you will judge me in some sober pecking order I would prefer to not participate in so that I can use all of the knowledge I have gained from my multiple attempts at sobriety and the books I have read to sound like I am more sober than I really am.
AA is not a level playing field, where in the person with 1 day has just as much to say as the person with 20 years, and the trend in our fellowship that tends to point in that direction is troubling. As the number members with long term sobriety dwindle and new comers become the disproportionate majority, the tendency is to for them to want to be more important. Therefore they make strides to down-play sober time in an effort to level the field. They do this in a number of ways, the most common being the exclamation that they "know" someone who went out with 20+ years sober. The reality is that after 9 years I have known far more people to die with long term sobriety than to drink after that period. Do some people who have picked up a drink after some time come back to AA only to take the focus off of sober time in an effort to deal with the shame of how long they would have been sober? You have what you have...You are either sober or in-between loads.
As members with multiple years, we sometimes lean in the direction of wanting the new-comer to like us, and thus we make strides to help the identify. We close the gap between them and us by not sharing our sobriety date. Some want to call this humility, but they are wrong. Humility is being at ease with where you are. I don't need to hide the fact that I am sober 9 years, in fact I need to give credit where credit is due. And yes I have something to say and if you are new you should listen. Because I am sober 9 years that means I haven't picked up a drink through 9 Christmas's, 9 Thanksgivings, and a handful of funerals. The new-comer who is in turn serious about maintaining sobriety should listen, and respect sober time, it took alot of pain and hard work to get here.
Lastly it is a system of checks and balances, when I share my sober time in a meeting it establishes to others where I am in on the path. It allows those sober longer than me to make certain that I am where I am supposed to be, and those with less time than me to see where they are headed. Without this we do a great disservice to the fellowship because we take away what we all came here looking for: The hope that we too can be free from alcohol perpetually.
AA is not a level playing field, where in the person with 1 day has just as much to say as the person with 20 years, and the trend in our fellowship that tends to point in that direction is troubling. As the number members with long term sobriety dwindle and new comers become the disproportionate majority, the tendency is to for them to want to be more important. Therefore they make strides to down-play sober time in an effort to level the field. They do this in a number of ways, the most common being the exclamation that they "know" someone who went out with 20+ years sober. The reality is that after 9 years I have known far more people to die with long term sobriety than to drink after that period. Do some people who have picked up a drink after some time come back to AA only to take the focus off of sober time in an effort to deal with the shame of how long they would have been sober? You have what you have...You are either sober or in-between loads.
As members with multiple years, we sometimes lean in the direction of wanting the new-comer to like us, and thus we make strides to help the identify. We close the gap between them and us by not sharing our sobriety date. Some want to call this humility, but they are wrong. Humility is being at ease with where you are. I don't need to hide the fact that I am sober 9 years, in fact I need to give credit where credit is due. And yes I have something to say and if you are new you should listen. Because I am sober 9 years that means I haven't picked up a drink through 9 Christmas's, 9 Thanksgivings, and a handful of funerals. The new-comer who is in turn serious about maintaining sobriety should listen, and respect sober time, it took alot of pain and hard work to get here.
Lastly it is a system of checks and balances, when I share my sober time in a meeting it establishes to others where I am in on the path. It allows those sober longer than me to make certain that I am where I am supposed to be, and those with less time than me to see where they are headed. Without this we do a great disservice to the fellowship because we take away what we all came here looking for: The hope that we too can be free from alcohol perpetually.
Well I like what you had to say and here is an acronym for TIME - This I must earn !
ReplyDeleteNewcomers haven't a clue , and thats ok. I do hear alot in the rooms that time doesn't mean much , but thats coming from members that don't have much time.
You can usually tell a brand newcomer : deer in the headlights look and if it's a lady , she's dressed up to the hilt , thinking she has to be better than these drunks by whats she's wearing .... heh, heh , or when fairly new comers spout the book and try to sound philosophical !
Paradoxically, the longer I'm sober , the less I know ! At a little over 14 yrs , I tend to let people be on their path , unless they get way out of hand and I'll call them on what they did.
Like you I've seen many folks win in AA .... they die sober ! I actually see alot of retreads , and folks that just seem can't get it on the other hand there are many who remain willing and do the deal.
I frequently go to the 2nd largest speaker meeting in California , where the attendance is between 800 - 1400 sober drunks on a monthly basis. They have "circuit speakers" that carry a good message most of the time and most folks go to get there chip ! It's interesting in watching how many "drunks" get their respective years of sobriety.
Every once in a while will have someone whose over 50 yrs , they normally get a standing ovation , for obvious reasons , there are normally a couple in the 40 - 40 range , several in the 30-40 range , quite a few in their 20's , ones in their 10- 20 range a fair amount, but from 5-10 , there normally aren't many at all . From 1-5 there are a lot ! Why do you think the such low turnout of 5-10 ? My experience tells me as well as speaking with other 1% ers ( people with 10 yrs or more )that most people go out in the 5-10 yr range because of complacency or other reasons ... it's sad really ! If you get a chance to attend a big birthday meeting , watch and you'll see what I mean !
I know for me that I had some certainly tough struggles to face between 5-10, so maybe it's par for the course.
As far as your level playing field goes, I do think that The newcomer has every right to attend a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous , but doesn't necessarily have the experience to speak. Meetings are for "Carrying the Message" , not the mess. So newcomers who haven't been through the steps, should not speak on them, when they or anyone starts to babble, it's the secretary's job to nip that in the bud and make them stop saying , "maybe you could finish that thought with a member of the group after the meeting" !
My late Sponsor told me , open up the book to the first page , and this is what you know about Alcoholics Anonymous ( the page is blank ), so like wise until you've been through at least your 5th step, "sit down , take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth and listen to what might save your life !
Thats all for now, I could ramble about my many conferences, my AA resume, and my thousands of experiences in and around AA, but in the end it really doesn't matter. What really matters is my connection with my higher power !!!!!!!!!
Finding God or your own conception of a higher power is the main purpose of AA, if people don't think so , their mistaken!
It's funny and kinda sad , when I hear folks speak about the "3 things" that are most important to them ( Sobriety date , Home group and Service ) .... thats all well and good and things that help all of us on the path , but by no means are they the cure !
I certainly hold dear my sobriety date ( July , 5, 1996 ) , but the most important thing thats helped me in sobriety is ... GOD !
I won't bore you with the details of how I came to know my higher power whom I call God , but lets just say " What a long , Strange trip it's been, and in God's case , A glorious Time !
Thank you very much for sharing your views with me and the readers. Coronado Club? The Yard? where you coming from?
ReplyDeleteGod Bless and perhaps our paths will cross one day, though we won't know it because we are both Anonymous ;)
Danville, Ca. ... well but you know my name since I confirmed me as your friend, today on FB, but I don't know yours ?
ReplyDeleteI'm sober today. Right now. It doens't have much to do with me. I'm sober in spite of me. I'm sober because I didn't know what else to do with myself so I kept going to meetings. I worked then steps a little. When I got really desperate I asked God for a little help. He cut me a little slack. I had my last drink on June 9th, 1992. The evening before my shrink advised me to go back to AA and give it an honest try.
ReplyDeleteIn all my years I have never "slipped" since coming to AA...I am in a minority for sure..but, I make it a point to share this fact...because I all I did was simply and thoroughly followed the 12 step path...it wasn't an accident...I followed it with purpose and with faith ..and I still do...we can't stay sober on yesterdays sobriety..this I understand,,,what keeps things fresh for me is I tell myself that on this new day = I have never met with sobriety..each new day(24 hours) when it unfolds calls for all the spiritual principles to be put in place...each continuous day of sobriety helps be get better at doing this principle based new design for living my life..
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