Silence

I am terrified of the screams I hear in the silence of the night. It is there in cold darkness, alone with my thoughts when the stark reality of the world around me is most beautifully illuminated in the moonlight. I am often stuck by the sharpness of the truth when viewed through my own eyes. Painful as it may be, it's easily distracted if need be.

"God speaks in the silence of the heart, listening is the beginning of prayer." -Mother Teresa

When faced with difficult decisions, I often balk at action in exchange for an extended pause for reflection and opportunity for change without purposeful action. I am also frequently guilty of waiting for a decision to be made for me by someone or something else which allows me to play my hole card...victim. If I pause long enough to place the decision squarely in someone else's hands either by default or because they have less tolerance for the situation than I, they are forced to decide the outcome, if it turns out wonderfully, I can thank God and praise myself for my part in inactivity. If it turns out poorly as it often does, I can blame the other party for jumping to a decision too hastily. 

The best course is of course to seek the counsel of others, to pray in earnest for the knowledge of God's will and the power to carry it out, and lastly to take the appropriate action at the time it should be carried out to achieve the expected result, and then adjust accordingly as the situation then dictates! But the silence of truth is deafening. 

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Posted in ego, emotions, God, praying, truth, will

Making Amends

Making Amends

The following story has been reprinted with permission, I found it an inspiring story and I hope that you do as well...

 I was riding through the mountains last year and remembered that when I was around 16 or 17 years of age, I stole 20 dollars from my grandmother when she was living at the nursing home. I remembered using this money to buy a bag of weed. I ...was devastated by what I had done. I got off my four wheeler and started to hike to this special place I spend a lot of time praying at. Sitting there I was dealing with the shame and guilt of doing such a terrible thing to my wonderful Gram. I began to pray to her…I told her, “Gram I know you have been waiting for a very long time for me to remember that I stole this money. I want you to know that I am deeply sorry for doing such a terrible thing to you. Please forgive me. I love you so very much”. So I sat that on this huge rock and began to cry. My grandma was in heaven now and I can’t make it up to her. I couldn’t possibly make amends for this selfish act. All I could do is tell her with all my heart I was sorry. All I could do is keep telling her I wish she was here, that I was so sorry, that I love you…over and over again. After a short while, I began to think about what my mother would tell me. My mom always had the answers. It wasn’t long and I received the answer. I got on my machine and drove back to the lodge. I jumped in my truck and went to this place called Bread of life. It is a homeless shelter in a little town down the mountain. I walked in and went to the guy sitting in the office. I pulled 80 dollars out of my pocket and gave it to this man. I said…”here take this money so that maybe it might help you guys out”. I turned and walked out. While I was getting in my truck, the man I gave the money to came up to me. He wanted to know whose name I should put on the receipt. I replied…”Catherine Monahan, my grandmother, she wanted me to give you this money”.
This is how I made amends to someone who is no longer alive. I know that she heard me, I know that she is with my mother, I know that they were happy that I finally remembered. They know how much I love them, they know what I am doing on this mountain. That for me is all that matters. PS I also know that they are with God in heaven.

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Posted in amends, forgive, God, guilt, praying, shame

Let God?

This all to familiar topic in AA is the focal point of my morning writing. It becomes all to easy for me to place in God's hands all of the work instead of the outcome. After all if it is my job to plow the field and God's job to make the plants grow, which task seems like the least amount of effort is required? Do you know just how many plants we are talking about? The number of blades of grass in my yard is staggering.

We are taught in the 11 step to pray for the knowledge of God's will for us and the power to follow through. This is a two part step. In the first part we are praying that the contact be established and maintained so that we may hear God's voice when he calls. All to often we hear something else which requires less work or struggle. Or we entirely hand off the problem and close the channel of communication down.

In the second part of the 11 step we are to ask for the power, the will, or the strength to carry through with whatever message has been delivered. If we call, there will be an answer, and in time we will hear. When we have heard the answer to our prayer, we must act. Acting requires strength and courage and we should have the humility to ask for assistance.

Letting Go and Letting God, is simply put...letting go of our expectations and letting God guide us.

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Posted in AA, courage, God, Letting Go, praying, strength, will