Slow Down...

Time is no commodity here, in fact, unlike much of world, time has very little meaning here...

Ice cream, now that of all things is a precious. Having awoken to a predawn chill in the air a subtle mist is slowly rising and revealing a gently cleansed surrounding. Everyone needs a chance to slow down a little and take a few deep breaths. We all need a reason to get out of bed in the morning and head into work. Today is that reason.

Despite the heartache and struggles that have come with this latest passing year I have among all things remained most richly blessed. Today I will spend my birthday with my wife and children on a distant beach, where despite the hopelessness of the plight, my eldest son will spend the whole day throwing sand into the sea. I suppose that if all the children stopped throwing sand in the ocean it might finally encroach upon us and swallow us whole. Thank you to the children, theirs is a tireless and thankless job.

It is important to point out that my life has become, in sobriety, something that I could have never imagined. Through staying sober a day at a time, giving my life to the God of my understanding, and remaining willing to practice our principles, I have been given a chance to have some real joy in my life. This is the vision of hope with which we are to pull the new comer. My life was once a darkness that lay as a tattered blanket over my helpless mass. Stripped of all that I knew, I was reached to and pulled from this muck. Feeling the breath of life rush into my lungs with a soft whoosh, I was pointed (by the folks in Alcoholics Anonymous) in this new direction.

It is an amazing life, though I spend much of it running as hard and as fast as I can, trying desperately to get ahead of the rest of the rats in the race. Today, a hard run takes me from one end of the island to the other in six minutes. It's time to slow down. it's time to take a look around, it's time to take stock of those things in my life that are often ignored and sometimes taken for granted! And though it's 7am and I have only been up for an hour, I think it is time for a nap...

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Posted in alcoholics anonymous, direction, God, principles, sober, struggles

Understanding

"We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness."  

Alcoholics Anonymous  page 84

The above statement makes the bold assumption that the reader has in fact rigorously adhered to our stringent spiritual way of life and has had, as a result, an experience which has placed them in the realm of the spirit. If the reader has not reached said point then you missed something along the way.

How many times have you heard this little statement at a meeting?

"The longer I am sober, the less I know."

Don't you wonder about those people? My sober experience increases, nearly exponentially, with each passing day. I know things today that I didn't know 5 years ago that have made it possible to help others in a way I never could have imagined. This again is an extreme example of false pride and eludes to the idea that we can easily level the playing field in AA to allow everyone to be liked, understood and ultimately respected. But this idea of a level playing field is counter to the way our fellowship was designed in which new people followed us down the path, doing what we did to get what we got.  It is vastly important that someone have gone before us and that the path be laid out and we cannot snub our noses at sober time.

Take this for example:

Let's pretend for a moment that a loved one is sick, they are suffering from a congenital heart defect that is going to require open heart surgery. They come to you for advice on where to seek treatment and which doctor they should choose. Do you advise them to go to the local community college and volunteer to allow some surgical techs to open them up? Absolutely not, you point them in the direction of the best treatment they can get from the surgeon with the most experience. 

So let me ask you this, why is it that when a guy with 20+ years of sobriety shares in a meeting we allow another member with 2 years to argue with them?

Now I will leave you with this...in the spiritual world there exists a paradox in which the closer one draws to God the smaller they see themselves before him and as one's knowledge grows so does the understanding of just how little they know. However the amount they didn't know is always decreasing, the awareness of how much that is should always be increasing.

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Posted in AA, alcoholics anonymous, effectiveness, life, path, pride, sober, spiritual, understanding

Night Fell!

The Night Fell...

 There is a thickness to the night which I haven't felt in years. Reminiscent of those early days of recovery in which there felt to be no safe place, I seem trapped by recent events. The horror of my loved one's recent suicide attempt, the realization of the gravity of the act and the circumstances leading to it, is staggering.

I often find myself awake late hours, distraction brings static which in turn brings a soft relief to what is the inevitable time alone with my thoughts.

I am 9 years sober, I have been to some great therapists in my day, I am spiritually fit and aware of what is happening to me. None of this takes away the chill that runs through my spine when the phone rings...because the phone rang, 3 times the phone rang that day, and it was always someone who wouldn't call me..."There's been an accident!"

No, there had been no accident, there had been a plan and the only accident was God's grace and mercy which saw that plan fail. However the damage was done, at least the lasting emotional trauma. The dreams are there, the haunting images and the sounds...all very real!

We are taught to love through action and forgive. I have been shown, by the fellowship I call home and the people who surround me. I have been taught a nearly involuntary reliance upon God in times of need. I seem to turn to him without thought or provocation, rather instinctual. It is there in the quiet of the night that I find solace in him, it is there as the demons seep in that I am meet with the warmth and light of the spirit.

I no longer suffer from a mental obsession, it was rather startling to me that I had passed into a new phase of recovery one in which the thought of drinking and the thought of not drinking were both nonexistent. Early in my sober life the thought of drinking was prominent, especially when things in my life became trying or troubling...However, as I stayed sober I became aware that these thoughts would come much later and then not at all...but there had always been a thought about drinking or not drinking, whichever the case, alcohol was at the front of my mind.

Humility is …

"Perpetual quietness of heart.

It is to have no trouble.

It is never to be fretted or vexed, irritable or sore; to wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing done against me.

It is to be at rest when nobody praises me, and when I am blamed or despised, it is to have a blessed home in myself where I can go in and shut the door and kneel to my Higher Power in secret and be at peace, as in a deep sea of calmness, when all around and about is seeming trouble."

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Posted in alcoholic, God, humility, love, mental obsession, sober, spiritual, suicide

Road to Recovery

"God has given me the ability to walk through trials with grace and dignity."

I am very grateful for the strength I have been given, the perspective I have, and the foundation that has been laid. This post will be less about my opinion and more about my experience. 

I have, throughout my sober life had trials laid before me that I believe have been designed to bring me closer to God. I am, in hindsight, able to see his hand in all of the details leading up to and including the very trial I have to pass through.

I have not always had this faith, in fact I have spent much of my life, sober and before, believing that I was controlling it all. Today, this faith I share with those around me is like the warmth of a familiar blanket when there is a chill in the air. It brings comfort from the presence of God in my life when all around me is pain and suffering. Much the same way a small child clings to their favorite blanket or stuffed bear, this is not immediately instinctual but rather a learned behavior that has come from pain or fear and then relief or comfort. You do that enough times and you develop a faith.

Perhaps that is all very childish, perhaps I should reach into the very premise that we are engaged here and now in all out spiritual warfare, that our sober struggle, and yes it is from time to time a struggle, is a battle on an spiritual plane. We have to die a death to self and in doing so we are in a sense "reborn" to bring comfort to the sick, food to the hungry, and shelter to those in the cold. We have ultimately been saved so that we can do God's work. If you believe in the presence of God in our lives, then you cannot deny the existence of  a competing force or power, that in sobriety pulls us from God's will and away from the work that has been laid before us. We struggle daily with the removal of selfishness in an effort to become better aligned with His will, but when we are misaligned the battle begins.

But what you might ask does this have to do with staying sober? Well, our daily reprieve is based upon the maintenance of our spiritual program. We are also called to grow along spiritual lines, increasing in faith and understanding of this faith allows for us to remain continuously sober.

Coming up....I will be inviting some of our readers to share their story, short inspiring bits about lives spared and souls saved!

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Posted in AA, death, faith, God, perspective, sober, spiritual, suicide, understanding

Suicide

suicide

there is an incredible amount of suffering in the world. i have, in my 9+ sober years, bore witness to a great deal of this pain. i want you to know that while there is pain there is also still hope.

8 days ago i was touched in a very intimate way by suicide. despite a solid sober foundation and a faith in god, i was completely and totally devastated.

i have spent the better portion of the last week attempting handle my emotions while trying to make sense of the situation. suicide is, in humble opinion, an entirely selfish act. when a person commits suicide, they despite the rest of the world's thoughts, place a value on their own life. suicide often takes a father from his son, a son from his father, a husband from his wife and a brother from his siblings. despite what would only be met with protest, the suicide takes any birthdays, holidays, any joy that was left in that relationship and places a value by which they then compare to the value of their suffering.

i understand suffering, in a very deep and personal way. i have often weighed the value of my life, the hurt i have caused others and the joy which i might bring. i feel as though i am in touch with all of these things and am therefore capable of being reached out to for help. yet the phone didn't ring.

there is a deeply spiritual experience associated with this as well, one that i would be remiss to neglect. because of the severity of selfishness that is associated with the act it must be (church doctrine says so) an act of evil. the fight for one's life in the grip of suicidal depression can be explained as simply spiritual warfare. a war which exploits the slightest weakness of one's mind to convince them that they are worthless.

coming through on the other side is another experience all together. i beat the ambulance to the hospital. despite careful planning and redundancy, it didn't work. i was in icu when my loved one came to. the grief, the shame and embarrassment was horrifying. they sat devastated, apologetic, and remorseful. confused at the reason it had been unsuccessful they were now faced with the road ahead. meanwhile i and the others who where close had to ask, why?

was there something we had done or failed to do? did we miss something, or were there really no signs? we began to piece together the days and weeks leading up to it, and afterward we had an accurate picture of pain, a suffering each was only aware of in our own unique way. but without the entire picture it seemed manageable. there was guilt as some felt as though there was something more that could or should have been done.why anyone who commits suicide believes they have an accurate appraisal of the pain they will cause others is beyond me. i am full of anger, fear, grief and sorrow and i spent time with my loved one today.

the internet is full of horrific stories and romantic plays, there are videos and guides, books and forums. there are advocacy groups and help lines. but my experience says this, if you pay close attention, if you show a genuine and sincere interest in those around you, if you see their pain and can offer an ear, then maybe, just maybe they will share. if you have been touched by suicide, i feel your pain, if you have or are considering this as a way out, please don't hesitate to reach out. there are people that love and appreciate you and you will be missed...

Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

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Posted in depression, emotions, experience, faith, God, hope, hopeless, humble, intimately, pain, sober, suicidal, suicide

HALT

HALT

Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired....now what?

It might have been a treatment center, or a well meaning member of the fellowship who first developed this conditional method of self awareness. Whoever it was, I am certain it was well intentioned, and at the time it was very intuitive. I am, however one that believes that we must remove the conditions on sobriety, in other words, we have to close the doors. If we are to tell ourselves that "if" this or that happens we don't know if we will stay sober, this or that will inevitably happen and we will be in the fight of our lives...see we already said we would drink!

Don't get me wrong, I am not bashing the concept, it was well meaning and I believe the original intent has been long lost. Our emotional and spiritual well being are intrinsically associated with our physical health. We have to remain vigilant, that we do not lose track of taking care of ourselves. Many of us were accustomed to taking poor care of ourselves in active addiction. Basic care of our physical selves was often neglected and as such we suffered. We went days without showers, missed meals, shunned others and seldom slept. Whilst our physical health declined, as did our emotional state and our spiritual world collapsed in on us. 

In recovery we are asked to heal all three parts. We also know that none of these parts can recover with out the others being taken care of. Tied together, our spiritual welfare is often tied to our physical well being. It is however one of the last places we look when we are troubled. As a result, other areas of our well being often begin to falter or fail before we look to our most basic needs. The combination of these are often deadly to an alcoholic. My experience is that if I get too hungry, too angry, too lonely or too tired all at once...I get a cold. It is my bodies way of saying...Stop, you have pushed yourself too far and you have had enough. It has nothing to do with taking a drink and everything to do with taking care of me so I can be of maximum service to you!

Please take a moment to visit our sponsor: The Token Shop

 

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Posted in AA, acoholism, alcoholic, alcoholics anonymous, drink, emotions, fellowship, sober, spiritual

I am responsible....

"When anyone, anywhere reaches out for help, I want the hand of AA to be there"

I seem to spend a great deal of time attacking the cliches that many in AA cling to as if they were the life lines from which they dangled above a sea of liquor.  This one, is quite the opposite. I hold steadfast to the idea that our common calling, our primary purpose and for some the only reason our lives were spared, is to bear witness and testament to the power of God and of Our Program of Recovery.

In order for us to be witnesses we must, we absolutely must, remain on the firing lines, we have to get in the trenches, we can't spend our days lounging in the meetings with the fancy coffee, the expensive chairs and valet parking, hoping that the newcomer will take a taxi to the suburbs to have the message delivered to them. 

The problem in our fellowship today stems from the fact that too many of us, and yes I said us, because I include myself in this group occasionally, are convinced that someone else must be going to do it, and if they are going to do it, then I don't have to bother with it. After all I come to meetings to make sure that I get "my" problems resolved so that I can stay sober today! Please note the very thick sarcasm here.

Folks, the Big Book is very clear on this subject. 

“Selfishness, self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles."

Alcoholics Anonymous pg 62

How then am I too be rid of this most horrible defect? The answer is right here, around us in this world are all manner of people in need, some are sick and dying, some hungry, some poor, and then there are those to whom we are particularly well equipped to help....the alcoholic. They, like us, will come desperate and dying and seeking the solution, and if we are to stay sober ourselves we must be willing, able, ready, and available to carry our message to them. We have to be where they are, when they show...that means the detox centers, the half-way houses, the recovery homes, the shelters and jails, that means the club with the smoke stains yesterday's coffee still cooking in the pot...we all have one...It means that when the phone rings, and it's late in the fourth quarter, we answer it and leave the room. It means that sometimes we are a taxi, and sometimes we are a warm meal, a bed, a shower and shave. It means that sometime, to someone other than ourselves we have to be home....

 For that I am Responsible...are you?

Please take a moment to visit our sponsor: The Token Shop 

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Posted in AA, meetings, message, Recovery, sober

Protecting your profile...

I am going to steer clear of recovery for just a moment to talk a bit about social networking and it's relation to anonymity. While everything I am doing is well intentioned and I have a clear conscious about it, it is also an experiment of sorts.

I began this blog in conjunction with a fake (completely anonymous) Facebook profile and linked a Twitter account to it all in an effort to build a sober social network I could not only interact with but also draw inspiration from. I wanted to get out there and meet you in the World Wide Web and talk to you about recovery.

Before long though I had been removed from some sites, certain people had taken issue with some of my actions, questioned my motives and perhaps even spoiled it all by reporting me to Facebook.

The reason for all of this is as follows: I was networking extensively from my primary FB profile with drunks and addicts across the globe, sharing bits and pieces of me as I saw fit. Then I began Groups for my business and soon I was friends with employees and co-workers and business contacts as well as family and recovering people. What those in recovery were saying was getting lost in the fold and what I wanted them to hear from me was be received by too broad of a network.

Soon I found myself unwilling to make new sober friends or participate in groups for fear that I may divulge too much info to the wrong people. Unhappy with this option I decided to make another profile...and here it is. I rapidly added as many people who were active in the FB groups and had multiple years of sobriety in an effort to cast nets into the sober world. I also planned to slowly pick through those connections and weed out those that were offense or otherwise not like minded.

If you have found yourself here, chances are I wanted you to be here or you are a great finder of awesome things...Which ever the case may be, I am happy to have you and have the freedom to talk to you all about whatever you want pertaining to sobriety. Lesson learned...I am going to talk about sobriety on your wall and if it interferes with your daily interactions with the real world, follow my lead, drop FB a note asking for a solution as AA moves into the digital age...

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Posted in networking, sober