Why they go...

There will be much speculation surrounding this post, and I expect to draw more than a little bit of criticism too, but why not.

I want to take a moment to discuss with you in detail the very things that either drive the old-timers from AA or pull them to a drink.

There are two issues which I will be sharing:

1. The Return of the Alcoholic Ego
2. The Subject Matter of our Meetings

So the old dog just packed his crap up in his even older truck and took off? We sit in our meetings and spend a great deal of time discussing why we think John took a drink or why Phil hung himself, we blame the lack of meetings, we blame the divorce, the loss of a job or a child...sometimes we blame each other...I could have done more? However, the arrow often misses the mark. The return of the alcoholic ego kills more of us than alcohol does.

When we were brought to the rooms of AA we underwent a period of ego-deflation that left us humble and teachable. Some years go by and through sacrifice and charity we remain in a place of humility, a servant of God, do his trusted work...then something happens, we cut back on our meetings or there is an event that pulls us into another area of our lives and away from AA...(notice, that while before I mentioned us believing this was the cause, it is not...) Rather than returning to our place in the trench, a bit of self-righteousness sets in and we begin to say to ourselves, "can't someone else answer that phone." Now the once removed alcoholic ego has again stuck it's foot in the door of our spiritual life. It begins to manifest itself in all manners of selfishness and self centeredness. The end result is always this, we become convinced that AA doesn't need us and that we don't have anything more to gain from "those people". The separation has now occurred and while the drink hasn't yet come, it is not far around the corner.

They are not lost yet, but soon to be...make certain that we keep an eye out for this...
Stay tuned for part 2...Subject Matter in Meetings

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Posted in AA, alcoholic, drink, ego, God, humble, self-centeredness, self-rightousness, selfishness

Absolute Truth

"Humility is knowing the absolute truth about one's self" -Mother Teresa

Humility is a very difficult subject, one that by it's very nature seems rather counter-intuitive. As one increases in understanding and knowledge they become more of an expert on the subject. By common belief in Alcoholics Anonymous this leads to a less humble individual. Wrong!

I stand to argue the point that we should make every effort to increase in understanding and effectiveness through the practice of these principles in our affairs we become masters in the art of knowing the truth about ourselves. We practice daily maintenance of a spiritual program of action in which we invite God into our lives to mold us into the beings he desires, we ask him to remove those things which block us from him and to strengthen those attributes which we will need to help those we should meet along the way. 

In the early days of my sober life and near the end of active addiction I experienced the type of humiliation that only we can understand. I was devastated, the result was that I learned to seek God in my life for the comfort and support I longed for. We must not confuse humiliation with the act of being humble. While it was certainly my experience to first be humiliated and then to become humble, it was not a cause and effect scenario. 

Take for example the above quote, it would suggest that our first experience with humility should come near the fifth step where we take a personal inventory of all that is good and bad and place it before God and another, in doing so we survey the wreckage and take stock of the salvageable.  We come to know the truth about ourselves such as we never had before. All the while placing ourselves before God. It stands to reason that some humiliation would come before this as we admit powerlessness or complete defeat, internalize that we are truly alcoholic and begin to see a need for a power greater than ourselves. 

Out of this weakness is born strength to discover the absolute truth about ourselves, some of us are great writers and other masterful musicians, while others still are incredible orators. We become fully aware, in God's presence, of the gifts we have been given and of the mission we are to set forth on. The man who is most humble is he who takes the gifts that have been given to him and uses them for the most good. 

Are you using your gifts for maximum goodness?

My new iMac will be here in just a couple of days and with it my new keyboard, which has an "L" key, something that I have been missing for a couple of months now, something which I thought to be very insignificant. To the contrary I have missed every keystroke in that time.

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Posted in alcoholic, alcoholics anonymous, effectiveness, experience, God, humble, humiliation, humility, power, powerless, understanding

Suicide

suicide

there is an incredible amount of suffering in the world. i have, in my 9+ sober years, bore witness to a great deal of this pain. i want you to know that while there is pain there is also still hope.

8 days ago i was touched in a very intimate way by suicide. despite a solid sober foundation and a faith in god, i was completely and totally devastated.

i have spent the better portion of the last week attempting handle my emotions while trying to make sense of the situation. suicide is, in humble opinion, an entirely selfish act. when a person commits suicide, they despite the rest of the world's thoughts, place a value on their own life. suicide often takes a father from his son, a son from his father, a husband from his wife and a brother from his siblings. despite what would only be met with protest, the suicide takes any birthdays, holidays, any joy that was left in that relationship and places a value by which they then compare to the value of their suffering.

i understand suffering, in a very deep and personal way. i have often weighed the value of my life, the hurt i have caused others and the joy which i might bring. i feel as though i am in touch with all of these things and am therefore capable of being reached out to for help. yet the phone didn't ring.

there is a deeply spiritual experience associated with this as well, one that i would be remiss to neglect. because of the severity of selfishness that is associated with the act it must be (church doctrine says so) an act of evil. the fight for one's life in the grip of suicidal depression can be explained as simply spiritual warfare. a war which exploits the slightest weakness of one's mind to convince them that they are worthless.

coming through on the other side is another experience all together. i beat the ambulance to the hospital. despite careful planning and redundancy, it didn't work. i was in icu when my loved one came to. the grief, the shame and embarrassment was horrifying. they sat devastated, apologetic, and remorseful. confused at the reason it had been unsuccessful they were now faced with the road ahead. meanwhile i and the others who where close had to ask, why?

was there something we had done or failed to do? did we miss something, or were there really no signs? we began to piece together the days and weeks leading up to it, and afterward we had an accurate picture of pain, a suffering each was only aware of in our own unique way. but without the entire picture it seemed manageable. there was guilt as some felt as though there was something more that could or should have been done.why anyone who commits suicide believes they have an accurate appraisal of the pain they will cause others is beyond me. i am full of anger, fear, grief and sorrow and i spent time with my loved one today.

the internet is full of horrific stories and romantic plays, there are videos and guides, books and forums. there are advocacy groups and help lines. but my experience says this, if you pay close attention, if you show a genuine and sincere interest in those around you, if you see their pain and can offer an ear, then maybe, just maybe they will share. if you have been touched by suicide, i feel your pain, if you have or are considering this as a way out, please don't hesitate to reach out. there are people that love and appreciate you and you will be missed...

Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

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Posted in depression, emotions, experience, faith, God, hope, hopeless, humble, intimately, pain, sober, suicidal, suicide